Domestic Violence Survivor

The words and life of a domestic violence survivor is one that is rare. Often the victim who’s in a domestic violence relationship never live to tell their tales it often ends tragic, with society forming their own opinion of the actual event. Some would say that the victim look for what they got they should of leave but being in that position as a victim and a survivor I can say it’s not that easy to leave. It’s not that easy to pick up you self and start all over again.

Often we look at victims and say that they are stupid, stupid for what? For being in love, sometimes the control is so strong that you don’t even know you are being controlled, and it’s often mistaken for caring. Some may say the victim is weak but do they know the strength it takes to keep taking hits to the face, to be called names for no valid reason to feel like there is no hope or to be called a witch because you refuse to admit to an accusation or maybe you just didn’t cook the meal the abuser wanted.

That my friend takes strength, to forgive and love that monster regardless of his flaws, to try and work things out for the sake of the kids if kids are involved , to try and help mend what’s broken takes strength . Many don’t know what Domestic Violence (DV) victim goes through only what opinion they derive in their heads and among them self.

Domestic violence has been a problem in society for quite some time and one of the reason for a lot of murders and suicide in Trinidad and Tobago. Many don’t know the reason for Domestic Violence or why one would resort to such an act. However, we know that it’s not a normal act, for normal people don’t treat others in that manner. Psychology states that abusive behavior is learnt and sometimes passes down from generation to generation. Domestic violence is any behavior that purpose of which is to gain power and control over a spouse, partner, girl/boyfriend or intimate family member. Abuse is a learned behavior and it is not caused by anger, mental problems, drugs or alcohol, or other common excuses.

According to (JUDICIARY TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO, 2011) Domestic Violence Includes any form of abuse whether it be mental, verbal, physical, sexual, financial, emotional or Psychological, committed by a person against a spouse, child, and any other person who is a member of the household or dependant. Domestic means anything that happens inside a home whereas violence is

Well I am going to talk about this from a survivor perspective where the person involved was me before I started this paper I was ask by my friends and family if I comfortable to let the world know I was abused I responded : Yes I was in three abusive relationshipand I think victims out there must know that there is hope and because you got abuse doesnt make you weak it shows that you are strong you are intelligent and your abuser knows this and he feel less compare to you he feel weak compare to you and he wants to bring you down to his level so he belittle you he call you names he isolate you from your family frinds tell you they don’t love you he is the only one that love you, he hits you and say he did it because get him really angry how you know exactly what buttons to push you nag him too much you luck to have him and most of all and the biggest thing he can do to you is instill fear and growing up I learn about fear for grew up in church and I have learn that fear is of the devil and as I say people of God would not ever treat another human being badly.

I remember my first abusive relationship it was my Son father he was very abusive verbally, emotionally, physically, psychologically and evening spiritually. He would say the most nasty things to me tell me am ugly or make comments of my hygiene he would accuse me of thieving his money and even say that my family work witchcraft but in Trinidad we say obeah. I remember when I was pregnant with our son he tried to suffocate me with a pillow. I was pregnant for him and coming from the family background I had my parents is religious people wanted us to marry so that our son wouldn’t have a broken home I was willing to work things out for my son so I stayed and took the abuse verbally and well physically . I remember on the year of my son first birthday he left me and I never took him back when he return because I found out not only he was abusive but he was also cheating on me. I told him No thank you but the abuse still continue though he try to destroy me by making false reports and constantly taking me to court. He would trying to run me of the road when I am driving and this is my child father I am talking about this is what abuse looks like people not only a cuff to face or a slap but torment.

The second was my second Boyfriend he came along 5 years after my break up with my son father I sworn it was different he started of nice he was everything a woman would want in a man. It was love so I thought and respect so I thought. He purposed and I say yes because ohhhh how I thought he was the one but then things started to change I got pregnant for him and the pregnancy was complicated I was losing blood and Doctor didn’t know what was cause the bleeding. I ended up miscarrying the baby but wait this wasn’t a normal miscarriage. When I was taking the hospital my blood pressure was 35/ 20 the Doctor was amazed to the fact I was still walking .The doctor told me I suppose to be in a coma and not walking but by the grace of God I was. I decided to move away from the relationship because things got worst we started to fight and argue a lot and he started to get physical and so I decided to call of the relationship.

However, my Mother didn’t know the real reason I called of the said relationship she was thinking I was throwing away another good man she herself started to abuse me verbally and emotionally. I was drained I was hopeless I wanted to commit suicide on so many occasions that I even tried a couple of time I was like why am I constantly being a victim of domestic violence why men always wants to take advantage of me I treat them good I give them everything they ask for I support them to the best of my ability why abuse me and now my mom so I took yet another break from relationships for two years and decided to try again in 2017.

This was my most recent experience and the worst I ever faced I met a guy an awesome guy so I thought again, but my judgement betrayed me once more. Everything was good until he started to secretly search my phone and accuse me of cheating. He would call my phone while I am on work to see who man I am working with. You see I work where men are more than woman me being the only woman there on my shift he would call me whore and tell me I am with the men I work with. One night we were having a heated conversation and he wanted to access my phone and while he grabbed my phone I hit same away from his hand that’s when he turn and hit me a punch to my face bursting open my mouth I tasted blood ,look down and saw my bed, my clothes, my hand covered in blood . I started to scream I felt pain and was scared I ran to the bathroom sink after rinsing my face I saw a slash across my mouth and the inside of my mouth mess up after that night I forgive him and continue the relationship call me stupid but I was in love he showed remorse so I thought, he went and got stuff for me, I thought he was sorry. I was on a liquid diet for two weeks plus.

After that Things continue to get worst he would push me slam me which lead to me acquirer a back injury that I now suffer with . He would also show up at my work place and embarrass me. He shows me no respect but yet I stayed I was afraid of him you see he is very manipulative and pretend well. He finally told me it was over and I agreed. But it didn’t end there he came by my house and ask to work things out I told him know he got angry a ask me for a chain he bought for me while I was removing the chain he attacked me from behind hold me in a head lock and began suffocating me I felt my life leaving my body I knew he was going to kill me because I can feel no air entering my body. Again God was by my side and as he release my neck a bit I shouted for help and my sister ran in to see him coming of me I move away and told him to leave he didn’t leave easy he mashed up every item I buy for him he call me names and then left.

I was fighten but I stayed strong and let him go you see some time holding on causes more damage than letting go but letting go is not often easy and takes time but eventually you would let go. As many may look at me and say wow she is beautiful or she have a nice smile but what they don’t know is what pain is hiden behind that smile the fear, the torment, the torture, the embarrassment, the insecurity, the battered woman syndrome. It hard at times to believe that a man who says he loves you can resort to such heinous action the feeling of betrayal by the person you trust to hold your heart and take care of it would just rip it to pieces and make you feel unwanted and rejected. But I have learn to put my trust in God and because of him I am alive I could of die but I live today I live today to tell ladies and men who are victim of Domestic violence you are strong don’t stay and take abuse be a survivor and not another statistic. Take a stand and say no to Domestic Violence