Dear Mr. Ted Peetz I have read the essay you wrote, “Marijuana for Medical Purposes: Is It a Dopey Idea,” and I have found some mistakes that I want to help you fix! I am not writing this to bash your essay, but to help give you stronger examples. I want to help clear up and complete your thoughts before you further your essay. Furthermore, at the bottom of the first page in your essay you use the source of Jo Daily, the former police in San Francisco, who smokes illegally to help relieve her pain after chemotherapy.
Jo Daily is not a good source for this topic. Anyone, and especially a police officer, should be following the law. Citizens look up to people like Jo Daily, but she is setting a very poor example as a law enforcement officer. On the second page and in the fourth paragraph, you recommend giving marijuana to kids underweight with AIDS to help increase their appetite and relieve the stress of pain. You should never mention kids and smoking because it would have a very negative effect on the crowd, especially parents, no matter how strong the argument is.
You aimed towards pathos but it was not the best topic. At the beginning of your essay you started off with a quote. You should never have a quote stand alone in a paper. Instead, embed the quote into a sentence. By embedding the quote, you get your paper going immediately. If you do what you are trying to do, you are starting off your paper already very awkwardly. It’s considered a fragmented and it’s less formal. It could also have a negative effect and turn the reader away from the very beginning. “Hey man, want some pot? is just going to make your paper sound like it is all about smoking pot and it really does not have a good relationship with the rest of the paper. In the first paragraph of the second page, you compare two incomparable subjects, marijuana and penicillin, and try to connect it by using pathos. There are really no resources saying that marijuana can cure but penicillin is used with many doctors to cure patients. Also, on the second page you share how Chris Woiderski would get relief from muscle spasms and pains associated with being a paraplegic.
A paraplegic is someone who cannot feel pain from the waist down. Lastly, you thoroughly explained how legalizing marijuana can help the patients with chemotherapy, kids with AIDS, and pain and stress relief and I have yet to see a reliable sources for any of these arguments or any following up sentences to defend them. Your sources show positive outlooks on marijuana, but the online articles are only a page to a page long. There also needs to a different source than “Online High Times Magazine,” because their information is biased.
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